Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a rut and just couldn’t get out of it? And no matter what you tried, you just couldn’t seem to move on!? You believe you’re applying yourself to pursue your life purpose and have followed many people’s advice on how to find the job of your dreams, but it just seems like you’re caught in a circular reference. How did that make you feel?
If you’re like me, you’ve been in that position before, and the feelings accompanying it aren’t worthwhile to recall. Very negative and self-defeating! Yuck!
However, whether we fully realize it or not, we often get stuck because there’s something we’re holding on to, or we simply can’t let it go. Remember those thought distortions we discussed last week? Or perhaps it’s an unkind thing you said to someone while you were down. You can’t get it back, even though you may have already been forgiven. Part of the reality of moving on from the past is that we’ve got to forgive ourselves as well.
The Path to Self-Forgiveness
Positive psychology research has found that forgiveness, particularly self-forgiveness, is a critical component of being resilient and being able to move forward. To aid in that endeavor, here are six psychological tips for you to try!
1) Revisit your expectations
Perhaps you’ve established weekly goals for your job transition, and you’re just not getting them done. The self-reflection, the networking, the resume revisions, mock interviews…they just don’t seem to be getting you to your end game goals!
Think about why you’re disappointed. What had you envisioned? What really unfolded? How did your expectations differ from reality?
Now let’s think about the current state. What obstacles have you encountered? What resources have you just recently discovered? (Yep, like Crossroads!) Did you have the tools (and yes, a good attitude is part of the tool kit) to reasonably achieve what you had set down as your expectations?
Odds are high you were doing the best you could with what you had. And if not, learn from it and keep pressing forward.
2) Remove yourself from the situation
Picture a close friend of yours going through your situation. How would you treat them? Would you be judgmental? Call them lazy? Tell them they have no chance in pursuing their dreams? Of course not! That’s absurd! BUT…how often do we judge ourselves that way? We often are SO harsh to ourselves!!
Reframing the situation with someone else in your place is a great way to tap into your compassion and empathy. It’s not meant to be a rationalization technique, but one where you can reasonably forgive yourself for not accomplishing what you had thought you could.
I’ve encountered this over and over and over again with jobseekers in the time it takes to find a new job! And when the weeks stretch into multiple months, the self-blame starts in an incredibly cruel way! STOP IT! 🙂 Step back, and encourage yourself the way you’d encourage your best friend!
3) Use verbs and adjectives, not nouns
You failed to network with anyone this past week, but you’re not a failure! You spent time on the lowest probable method of getting a job – filling out applications! But you’re not stupid!
You didn’t go to that Crossroads Career workshop, but you’re not lazy!
You didn’t ever give that Crossroads Guide a call to gain some insight and encouragement, but you’re not unmotivated.
You didn’t check out that company that you heard was hiring for your type of role, but it’s not because you’re not curious.
Seriously – LOSE. THE. LABELS! And the nouns, too! What you do doesn’t define who (and whose) you are!
4) Create a REDO
Nope, that’s not an acronym for something. I actually mean what it says – a re do. A chance to try it again! Most things in life we miss are not fatal, and that includes our pursuit for fulfillment and that new job! So gear up, and start with, “Today is a new day!”
Knowing what you know now (hint – see #3 above), write down what you would do differently in a certain situation if you could turn back time. Yup, we know…we can’t turn back time…but we now have the gift of a new day in front of us! So…what can you learn from your experience and what can keep you from making the same mistakes again?
We can learn from every experience. For example, as you think back through the past day or week, what scenarios did you encounter? What environment were you in? What triggers to negative behavior may have appeared? If you “re do” that scenario, what specifically could you have done differently to get a different result?
Remember, the odds are really high you weren’t trying to self-sabotage yourself. You were doing what made sense to you at the time. So, how can you insert positive triggers to support you as you move forward and encounter similar scenarios?
5) Look for (opposite) evidence
“Just the facts, ma’am, just the facts!” As human beings, our first natural inclination is to look at all the things we don’t do well or that we get wrong. Oftentimes we’re our own worst critic! So, turn the tables and truly be objective with yourself and gather ALL the facts!
While you didn’t do some things you thought you should have, I’m betting you probably did some good things along the way! And perhaps those things didn’t have anything to do with your pursuit of doing meaningful work or landing that new job. Perhaps it was time spent being a good dad or mom, or spending time drawing closer to God, or just doing some random act of kindness. Whatever those things were, please give yourself an honest break and consider ALL the evidence!
Don’t let one situation define you! You are WAY more than a few scenarios and situations!
6) Tie up loose ends
Have you ever worked through something and just couldn’t let it go because you knew there were things that weren’t completed? It could be a project, a relational situation, or a simple to-do that you crossed off the list as “done,” but it just nags at you because you know it’s not done!
Sometimes, when we can’t forgive ourselves, it might be because we haven’t asked for forgiveness or tied up loose ends from a conflict or high stress situation. And unresolved issues can pull at us from all angles. If you’ve got unfinished business, sort through it—physically, mentally, and emotionally—and put it behind you. And the sooner, the better.
You can’t drive forward safely at full speed when you keep looking at the rearview mirror!
Consult the Truth
So, there you have it! Six tips to aid you with self-forgiveness. Of course, that’s our human wisdom speaking for us. What does the true source of Truth have to say about this topic?
First, we need to recognize that God stands ready and willing to forgive our sins. Psalm 103:10,12 states, “He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve…He has removed our sins as far from us as the East is from the West.” Instead of giving us the punishment we deserve, Jesus Christ paid for all our sins (John 3:16).
Second, to enable His forgiveness, all we have to do is ask! Many Scriptures tell us to repent…to turn from relying on ourselves to following and trusting Jesus. Acts 2:38 says, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.”
Third, once we do that, we’re told in Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” In other words, Jesus Christ, who took the punishment for our sins on the cross, gives us a new life in Him. We are now called God’s children (Rom. 8:19-22) and have the opportunity to re-present Jesus to others in our world.
Last, since we have been forgiven and transformed by God, we should be able to forgive ourselves for whatever errors we have committed. Philippians 3:13 tells us, “But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Paul is telling the Philippians to keep pressing forward for the good works God can do through us and not to look back at our lives before Christ.
Blessings!
Dave Sparkman currently serves as the volunteer Crossroads Career board chair and local ministry leader. He is also the founder and managing director of Spark Your Culture, a corporate culture consulting firm. Prior to that he worked at UnitedHealth Group, a Fortune #5 public company, serving in the role of Chief Culture Officer. His unemployment experience came from the implosion of Arthur Andersen, where he served as the West Region Managing Partner, People.
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